I'm working on something else. Maybe a total re-haul of this site. Maybe a personal secret project. I don't know yet. It's a site. But I'm scared to make it public since I feel like it looks too similar to my inspiration(s). It has its own touch, my touch, but still... there's this feeling that it's not original enough. I feel like a thief. It has my own writing, my own layout, but style-wise it just looks like the site(s) that inspired me to make a new thing. And I don't know how to feel about it. I do like what I have already, though. It's cute and mysterious. A completely different look than this one. Who knows what I'll do with it... That's for the future.

12.30pm
guilt-ridden day.

Thoughts! I'm gonna write a bit about everything today. It might get really long or stay relatively short. Who knows. I've just been thinking about a bunch and feeling a bunch and stuff. Weird times, but summer is coming and that's all that matters.

Yesterday was the sunny day that was announced and the weather forecast didn't lie for once!. It wasn't that great of a day, but I did manage to lay in the grass and soak up some sun during my lunch break. I also read a bit. There were so many birds singing. All different kinds, just communicating with each other. My school is has many trees and these birds just live there, chirping away. There's also a cat who walks around school sometimes, in the mornings, when it's still empty. I haven't seen him in a while, because I don't go to school that early anymore. I would, but I'm just so exhausted in the morning that I physically am not able to get out of bed until about 7. Which is always just in time.

I woke up today at around 7 too. Even though i didn't have school. My internal clock is working hard. I liked it though. It made my day really productive. I was craving eggs on toast, so I actually went to the store first thing, and bought some eggs. That already made me feel very great. I then worked on stuff for school, which i barely do on weekends. 1. because we don't have a lot of homework ever and 2. because I just wanna rest haha. But now we suddenly have 3 tests next Monday. Kinda insane and I need to do a 4th one that I missed 2 weeks ago. Crazy. Curious to see how that goes.

I also won't have a full week next week, because it's London Time baby! Soooo excited... Scared as well. I still need to get my passport sorted out. Going tomorrow and I'll get it Wednesday and everything should be okay then. I really hope we're going to have tons of fun... We will! We're going to walk around, go to the concerts, thrift, go on a Jack the Ripper tour! So many things! I'm gonna be so tired when we get back haha.

10.30am
I had a rough day yesterday. Very extreme ups and downs. Mostly extreme downs and normal ups actually. Today I barely have class, which I'm not complainign about. Two teachers are absent which means I'm free all morning until 1PM. I think I'm going to treat myself to a nice lunch. Kebab, preferably. I might also go to the supermarket to get me some snacks for later. Or not. I would have to carry them all the way to school and then back after...

I'm in the library now. I like libraries. They feel punk in a very comforting way. I started reading an anarchist book. I also made a big list of other anarchist/socialist/anti-capitalist books I want to read. The Anarchist Library is great. I love it. I'm reading The Conquest for Bread by Peter Kropotkin now. I have read only a little bit so far. It's a 'classic', I guess. I think it's good to start from the basics.

10.50am
An excerpt from my notes from the bus ride to school:

Reading more will make me see the beauty in the mundane. Not that I don't already see it, but it will make me appreciate things that are often seen as negatives; Rainy days, long waiting times, awkward conversations. I'm currently reading Justine by Lawrence Durrell.

I feel better today, just like I predicted yesterday. Well, I said I'd feel better monday. I don't know anymore. I still feel kind of weird, to be honest. I'm now hyper-fixating on something else and I don't like the feeling of it. Hmmm... There's not much to say really. I didn't go outside all weekend. Even though I had stuff planned. I just cancelled. I do feel like shit kind of. Which is annoying, cuz I felt really great most of this week. But then some stuff happened and I felt dumb and felt bad, so maybe that just lingered? I thought I was over it. Anyway, ... I thought I'd write a positive entry, but now I feel really bad... I'm just going to watch videos. Bye. I feel bad now. Sigh...

It's been a while since I worked on this little site... I've been super hyperfixated on the 3D software Blender. It happened so fast and now I feel like I wasted all my time. I don't know what to do at all now that I don't wanna work on a 3D project anymore. It's all I've been doing for the past 5 days. It was the only activity i engaged in, so I now think there's nothing else than it... ChatGPT isn't the best at giving suggestions on what to do either. I think I'm just going to watch YouTube videos then... And feel like I'm wasting my time again.

I'm also very tired at the moment. Maybe because for the past 2 days, I've woken up at 5AM and was unable to fall asleep again, because my mind was running all kind of marathons thinking of what to try in Blender... Autism is exhausting, to be honest.

I don't have anything else to say. This entry sounds really sad and hopeless, but I feel okay, I think. I'll feel like a person again monday, when I'm at school. I should get a job. But it's scary. I don't like feeling like this. Anyway, I'll go now. I'm tired.

Today was a good day! School went good and I had a great time after school as well. I got surprisingly good feedback on the project of last week, which Io honestly barely put effort in for. My dreams of studying out of the country quickly got shattered though, since my teacher is from said country and he told me I won’t be qualified to study there. I’m still going to the open day over spring break and ask people of the uni. Who knows, right? Maybe there’s exceptions….

The sun didn’t shine today, but i saw a bumblebee! I also saw the ducks from yesterday chilling on the grass… Spring is soon. I also saw the trees blossoming with their little pink and white flowers. That made me really happy.

I downloaded Blender! I didn’t try before, cuz i was convinced my laptop would explode haha. But it’s working pretty smooth! I started the froggy tutorial but I kinda effed up somewhere, and I should just restart to fix it, so i put it on hold. I’m now working on a little duck and I’m just about done! Only rendering is left 🙂. So happy I’m experimenting with it! I’ve been looking at a lot of 3d animation accounts on Instagram recently. I’m really into low poly stuff. I’ll do some more tutorials after i render the duck andsee where it leads me! I stayed up a bit late now because of it haha. I need my sleep. Goodnight

Today was a weird day. Not really. I’m being a bit silly, but today was still not.. a good day? The sun is finally starting to show a bit more regularly (2 days or so) and it’s making me happy! But if I feel sad now, with this great weather, I feel guilty and think my whole spring/summer is gonna be ruined by me feeling bad. It’s not smart to generalize like that, but my brain thinks weird things sometimes. School was weird. That was the weirdest thing of all. It was like always, though. Just me stressing out. Not gonna go into much detail, cuz I hate reliving the things I feel at school. I can’t wait to graduate!!! Only 4 months to go! And then I’ll be free, move to ---------, and be so happy with what I do! Can’t wait for that. I’ll make new friends and start all over. I’m really obsessed with ‘new starts’, ‘clean slates’, things like that. The concept of it.

I decided I’m going to take more accountability for my actions and keep promises. I’m gonna try my very best! It’s not gonna be easy. Oh boy, is it gonna be difficult… But it’s time I do it. Time I take action. I made an ‘ins and outs’ list yesterday. Those seem to be quite popular on the web. I definitely see the appeal of them. They’re a fun little thing, but you can also use them as a stepping stone for action and growth.

I went to the coast this week-end! I didn’t go to the beach but we could see it from the tram when we got there and left! I was soooo tired, so i didn’t go. I’m definitely going back in the summer with friends! And then we’ll go see the sea and play on the beach 🙂. I also ate really well there. I felt so blessed and loved. It’s strange to have family outside of my mom. Strange to have a good relationship with someone who is family, even if it’s not really family. It’s complicated. I never know how to feel about it all. But it was a fun week-end.

I started writing in my physical journal again, so that’s fun too! I like having multiple outlets of my thoughts. I also like telling many people the same thing. I think it’s something to do with me just craving attention and validation lol… Anyway, so I’m having fun writing again. It was almost a month since i last wrote and the last entry read like this: “LIFE IS GOOD! I feel so blessed”. Reading that made me really happy. It gave me motivation to do better and feel better in return.

Oh no, bugs are flying inside, cuz i opened my window. The sun is already starting to set i think. It’s almost dinner time. I hope it’s something yummy… I’ll leave this entry here. I gotta remember to think good thoughts. And persevere. It’s all going to work out.

sunrise reflecting on central station.

9am I'm just getting sicker... Not fun, but maybe I can stay home, which I'm not complaining about. I should start and make some progress on my school project... But it's just so difficult to start. I might do some work this afternoon, but I also have 2 appointments, and if I don't decide stay home, i have to catch my bus and won't have any time for working on the thing. And because I'm sick, I feel extra tired and unmotivated.

About the London thing; We're going to try to book as soon as possible (as soon as L knows if she can take time off of work) and we'll just see from there. I made a little scheme where i will add costs in and schedule things a bit. We'd fly there and oh! We're not just gonna see Evanora! But also Ovlov with support from my good friends (that's a joke, but also not really, iykyk) Powerplant and the first show of K's new band with L², Hitmen, or Hiddmen, I don't know what they agreed upon... I'll seem like the biggest groupie again, but it's just purely coincidental, I swear. If W didn't suggest going to see Evanora in London, we wouldn't be planning all this. We could also go see them in Paris, but London is also just more fun haha.

the church in --------

8pm I kind of feel like a failure in evrything. I don't have much more to say. In all aspects of my life I'm unaccomplished. There it is... I'm a loser.

Today started of on a more negative note, but the sun is shining and I feel better now :-). I may be going to London for a weekend in a month? That's just been decided? Not decided yet, but it's a thought. We (W, L and silly old me) would go for a concert and then do one extra day, and after that we would go back. This is all still a big question mark, but I'm never saying no to Evanora Unlimited live... We're gonna try and see if it all works out and go over the practical things first though haha. Don't wanna have another Amsterdam situation... I love my friends <3... They've put up with so much of my shit over the years (13 and 10 years for each of them haha). I look forward to the day where we can say we've known each other for 20 years. 50 years would be great too... We'd be nearing 60 then. Crazy thoughts.

About school; I'm so done with it. I just wanna graduate, leave and go to Groningen and study Arts, Culture and Media there. That's my dream now. My hope and wish and goal. Goal. Goals are something i have a difficult time with. Having them, keeping them and acting on them. All very hard for me. Oh, I'm seeing my therapist today! That's great, can't forget about that. I maybe want to go to the library too. I still need to read and return a book. It's about 'The Art of Not-Building'. Using the space we have right now and not immediately building new things. Very interesting. I do have an interest in Environmental Architecture and Urban Planning and things like that. I still need to finish reading 'The Death and Life of Great American Cities', but I only have the pdf and I read much better on paper. They only have it in Dutch in the library though, and I don't enjoy reading a translation, if I can read the original.

I think I'm starting to get sick. I hope it doesn't get worse than this. Now i only have a sore throat and a runny nose (it gets stuffy at night, and one thing about me is that i HATE a stuffy nose. I've cried over it before). Just taking my throat tablets and trying to get enough sleep is the only thing i can do now.

a sketch made in class

I forgot my physical journal at home, so this is the perfect opportunity to (re-)start my digital journal! I tried to be really cool by writing very thoughtfully here, but that lasted about 2 days before i lost inspiration. I think I'm just gonna keep it casual. Today was a weird day... It's my birthday, but i don't really care about that anyway. School's kicking my ass. I can't wait to graduate (finally!). Not looking forward to the rest of the week or the weekend or the week after this one... Just misery all over...I am looking forward to the weekend after that though, cuz I'm going out!! I'll go with Y, and we're gonna have sooo much fun! Maybe if I win the giveaway of 2 tickets, I can invite I... That would be a plan. But I'm most likely not gonna win the giveaway haha...
I'll just try to survive this week and the upcoming weekend... It'll be fine, right?

the view from the balcony door